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December 26, 2006
Confidence Without Courage
After the check-ins, the theme that emerged was the question, �Do we often have confidence but lack courage?�
This question emerged due to the stories shared by five participants that seemed to indicate that often we tend to act out of confidence but lack courage, which, if present, would have changed the action.
Deepak said that he stated correcting Manvi�s grammar and the more he did it, he said the more faults he was finding in her language. While he had a reason to suddenly start correcting her (as she is applying for her medical residency) he said that he wasn�t sure whether that fully justifies his corrections.
Manju said that she attended a workshop where a younger person started offering her opinions in areas where she doesn�t have experience. Manju kept her cool and did not make a bid deal out of it and let it go. But later at the time of group-sharing the other person felt that Manju was not clear about herself! So, she said that while she had the confidence to not be taken in by another person's naive opinions (I know better, so why should I fight), she lacked the courage to tell that person that it would be better if she asked questions instead of offering opinions.
Prasad said that after many years, he discovered that some people close to him did not take his jokes (on them) very well. Whereas, he said that he had been thinking all along that they were enjoying his jokes and he was helping them have a good time.
Jay said that one of his younger relative is not an extrovert who talks freely. But he discovered over a period that actually so much is going on in that person�s mind. And the few words that he did speak, if properly responded to, would make a huge difference to not only the conversation but the relationship and his well being.
Sangeetha said that she too, like Prasad used to indulge in edgy humor until she discovered recently that some people were perpetually �on guard� with her. And when she decided to check herself in a recent phone conversation, she said that she could feel that other person being at ease and enjoying the conversation.
In all these stories, thanks to Jay, we identified that the participant�s intelligence (head) was giving that person confidence to do something. But their feeling (heart) was missing which would have given them courage to care for the other person and be vulnerable oneself.
Prasad said that if we look into the etymology of courage, it comes from the root coraticum in which �cor� means heart. So while our knowledge, skills etc give us confidence, it is our ability to empathize, to care, to open up ourselves and be vulnerable that allows us to have courage along with confidence.
So in each one of the story share by the participants, what each person did came from a space of �I know it is the right thing to do.� But if their hearts were to be present, each person might have acted differently taking into account the feelings and growth of the other person (which two of them did eventually).
The practice for this week is, �Next time you are confident about yourself in a situation, ask yourself whether your heart is present. If not try to bring your heart and see how it changes your action.�
Posted by Ragu at December 26, 2006 04:29 PM