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August 01, 2006
Love beyond "I"
Deepak started the session with a quote from Dr. V:
�Intelligence and capability are not enough. There should be the joy of doing something beautiful.�
Seema quoted Dalai Lama: Be selfish. Be generous.
Manju checked in and asked what motivates ego to take over and thereby block love in a relationship?
Prasad said that the highest form of love is larger than the self. It engulfs the lover and the loved and evaporates individual ego.
He said that in Buddhist tradition, there are four ways of relating to others:
Maitri, Karuna, Mudita and Upeksha.
In the article, Four ways of embracing the world, Ranjit Hoskote writes:
�Inspired by this teaching, the aspirant along the Buddha's path takes up residence in the four states of consciousness celebrated as the brahma-viharas or sublime abodes. These are maitri, karuna, mudita and upeksha: loving-kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity. Elaborating on these states in his commentary, the Visuddhi-magga (The Path of Purification), the scholar Buddhaghosha points out that they are a practical means by which the individual may step out of his narrow individuality to realize the larger oneness of life. Absorbed in meditation, the disciple lets his mind pervade the four quarters of the world with thoughts of loving-kindness. And so, recognizing himself in all, he suffuses the whole world with love beyond measure.�
Also Prasad said that there are five types of love in Indian spirituality:
1. Servant - Master
2. Friend � Friend
3. Parent � Child
4. Spouse � Spouse
5. Illicit love
Joseph Campbell talk's about the five types of love in his work 'From Psychology To Spirituality: Kundalini Yoga Part II'.
Prasad said that unconditional love � the highest form of love has no direction (that is, it is not directed at a particular person or thing). But it flows in all directions. Ultimately, it is about a person truly loving oneself due to the recognition that everyone and everything is the same as ones own self and there is no �other�.
Prasad quoted a small story, �Who am I� from the book Song of the Bird by Anthony De Mello:
Lover knocked at his Beloved�s door.
�Who knocks?� Said the beloved from within.
�It is I,� said the lover.
�Go away. This house will not hold you and me.�
The lover withdrew and pondered for a long time on those words.
Then he returned and knocked again.
�Who knocks?� said the Beloved.
�It is you,� answered the lover.
The door opens wide and beloved invites the lover in.
Prasad said there is also a point of view that �care� is higher than love (according to Erik Erikson) because caring need not be reciprocated and can be one sided. He said, �It is easy to love those I care for. But is it easy to care for those I don�t love?�
Prasad sent to me the gist of Erik Erikson's work from the book Life Cycle Completed:
Erikson lists eight stages of development, spanning the entire lifespan. Each of Erikson's stages of psychosocial development are marked by a conflict, for which successful resolution will result in a favourable outcome, for example, trust vs. mistrust, and by an important event that this conflict resolves itself around, for example, feeding.
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Stage One Oral-Sensory: from birth to one, trust vs. mistrust, feeding;
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Stage Two Muscular-Anal: 1-3 years, autonomy vs.doubt, toilet training;
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Stage Three Locomotor: 3-6 years, initiative vs.inadequacy, independence;
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Stage Four Latency: 6-12 years, industry vs.inferiority, school;
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Stage Five Adolescence: 12-18 years, identity vs.confusion, peer relationships;
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Stage Six Young Adulthood: 18-40 years, intimacy vs.isolation, love relationships;
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Stage Seven Middle Adulthood: 40-65 years, generativity vs.stagnation, parenting;
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Stage Eight Maturity: 65 years until death, integrity vs.despair, acceptance of one's life.
Deepak described a difficult situation he is facing and said that it is hard for him to decide when to let go and asked for suggestions.
Prasad said that when it is hard to let go of something, the difficulty comes from ones attachment to it. If one is already attached to something, then where is the consideration for letting go coming from? He said that the feeling of wanting to �let go� is different from the feeling of wanting to �give up�. The feeling to let go does not come from a sense of failure or dejection. It comes from a higher self that is not attached to the difficult situation and wants to ascend to something higher than the difficult situation. Letting go is a process of surrendering ones ego to rise to a higher place.
I checked in and said that I had an experience a few months back of doing �mindful gardening�. I picked a suggestion from an article that said it is easy to be mindful if one tells oneself what one is doing a few times. So, I�d dig the soil and tell myself, �I�m digging, I�m digging.� Initially it sounded silly. But over 45 minutes, I found that this simple suggestion helped me to be very mindful throughout the task. I felt more peaceful, enjoyed the task and overall felt good during and after the task was over.
I said that I am experimenting with finding similar �mindfulness tools� that I could use with other tasks. With physical tasks, I can repeat the task in my head while doing it. But if I am writing an article or participating in a dialogue I can�t tell myself, �I�m writing, I�m writing� or �I�m listening, I�m listening.� I need to invent some other way of keeping my concentration on the task. Any suggestions?
Vijay said that he has been thinking about the need and the positive and negative aspects of comparing himself with others.
He said that though some people suggest comparison is not needed at all, society is organized in a way that comparison is inevitable. From college admission to getting a job to buying a house, a person�s education, skills, experience, wealth etc are compared to others� all the time. But at the same time, one cannot constantly keep comparing oneself with others and build up envy and anxiety.
Vijay said that a balanced perspective on comparison could be to concentrate on what one is good at and being competitive about it and not much bother about other areas where someone else might be better.
Prasad said that in a larger context, comparison arises due to a sense of duality. While differences (and hence comparisons) exist at the level of knowledge, skills, experience, wealth etc., if a person goes beyond these aspects of ones identity, then it is possible to end the duality of �I� and �the other� and treat both the same and enter a state of non-duality.
He said that non-duality is an interesting word because it indicates the absence of duality on one hand and at the same time points to the apparent existence of duality as we experience it every day.
So, while we may experience differences and compare ourselves with others, it is possible to end the differences and end comparison.
Posted by Ragu at August 1, 2006 12:36 PM